Tales from the Stock Room vol. 4

As XC season enters the bigger meets of the year here is a typical interaction between myself and a high school teenager who is trying on racing spikes. Usually a boy

Teen- I need spikes (Stares a hole in your face)

Me- Awesome! Do you know what size trainer you normally wear?

Teen- Uh size 10

Me- OK, lets get a measurement just to make sure

*Teen measures for a size 11*

Me- Ok I think 11 will be better lets start there and see how that feels

As this is going on you can feel the kids mom or dad’s eyes burning a hole through your soul. Like don’t fuck up my kids feet shoe boy.

I come back with spikes

Me- Have you worn spikes before?

Teen- No

Staff- Ok no problem. Just so you know spikes are very tight fitting and aren’t the most comfortable things to wear so keep that in mind when you’re trying them on

Teen- ok

*Tries spikes on*

Teen- They are too tight

Teen’s Parent- He’s saying they are too tight

Me- Ok just take a walk around a little bit and try to get adjusted to them

Me- Remember you won’t be wearing these for a long period of time. You run fast and then get to take them off right away haha

My poor attempt at humor

Teen’s Parent-

Teen- Can we try a bigger size?

Me- Yes of course that is no problem. But I will say if the spikes fits too long you may run into problems.

Teen- Uh ok

*The staff member goes back to the stock room and tries not to cry*

Me- Ok here is a half size up. Pretty dope color right?


Me- How is it feeling?

Teen- It feels big

*I say to myself “I’m dead inside”*

Me- Ok. I honestly think you will be ok in the smaller size. You want them to be a little tighter so it feels like it’s almost a part of you foot. It will make you feel lighter and quicker and give you that competitive advantage that you need in your race.

Teen- Ok I’ll do that

Teen’s Parent- At this point has totally checked out. Uhh yea sure ok lets do those.

Your patience is always tested.

Tales from the Stock Room Vol. 3

It’s been a few weeks since my last post but we had a doozie the other day.

As New Jersey felt some after effects of Hurricane Ian this past week the store was mostly quiet do to rain, cloudy, and cold and damp weather. When its quiet it seems that more of the “interesting” clientele find their way into the store.

The door swings open to a man with no teeth walking in and something shaking in his pockets making him sound like some sort of maraca and half of a southern accent. Oh boy here we go..

Man- Hey buddy, I got something going on with my foot I think I need to be resized or something. I think it might be a blister. I felt something wrong this morning while I was power walking around the mall.

Yes, power walking around the mall

Me- Ok sure. Lets check it out

Man- *sits down and takes off the sock on his left foot off to reveal a foot with toe nails more yellow than lemon lime gatorade*

Me- Oh you don’t need to do…

Man- HEH??


Before I go further let me preface this and say I was in the middle of doing some organizing in the store and my co worker who could have helped this customer totally ignored him and stuck him with me so he could look up colors of an Apple Watch he was going to purchase.

Me- *Puts brannock device on the floor to get measurement*

Me- I would say lets go with a 13 wide. But let me check your current shoe to see what you are wearing for reference

His current shoe was a 13 4E. Which is an extra wide.

Me- Well, your current shoe is a 13 4E maybe we go down in width to a 2E which is still wide but not too wide. It’s possible that your foot has too much room and is moving around too much and causing some rubbing and that was is causing you to have a blister.

Man- I need a wide

Me- Yes I know we are still going to go with a wide not just quite as wide

Man- OK. But is it going to be a wide?

Me- Yes, it will still be a wide

I walk back to the stock room and question all of my life decisions up this point

Me- Ok I have something here that I think will work

Man- You know what I don’t think its a blister. Come over here and take a look at this.

My man proceeds to stick his foot in my face and starts pulling apart his toes to reveal a small paper cut like slash.

Man- I think I got a cut or something in between my toes

Me- Uhh yea I can see what you’re talking about.

Man- You think thats what is causing me the pain?

In the background I hear my co worker snickering and giggling to himself. I need to get this guy out of here

Me- Yes I think so. You mentioned a blister but I didn’t notice any blisters so it has to be that cut you have

Man- So you think its the cut?

Me- Yea I think so. Just let that heal and you should be good

Man- *Puts foot down and ponders for a second* Yea you know what it’s probably this dang cut.

Me- Yea just let that heal and you should be good to go.

Man- Ok buddy thanks for the help

Me- No problem have a good day.

I hope my co worker found a color he liked for his Apple Watch.

Tales from the stock room Vol. 2

Hell of a week. But one interaction stood out the most.

This really happened..

Me- “Hello, What can I help you with?”


“Ghost size 8”

Me- “Ok no probelm”

*goes to get shoes*

*tries shoes on*

Me- “How are they feeling?”


Me- “So are they feeling ok for you?”



Me- “Ok I will ring them up”


The End

Welcome to my 30s

On July 26th I turned 31. So that means I am officially one year into my 30s. The days following have brought on a lot of reflection. I’ve been thinking a lot of where I am in life. I got married last September to Paulina a woman I’ve been with since high school..almost 14 years now. (yes I’ve only had sex with one woman. Wilt Chamberlain would be appalled.) the two of us survived the pandemic, dealt with some depression, bought a house in a great town and neighborhood, got a dog named him Bodhi (“Thats Bodhi..He’s a modern savage.”), reaffirmed the fact that I’m dangerously Italian..89% in fact mostly Sicilian and the other 11% is Greek. What up Giannis! and I am a community college dropout. I try to take on everyday anew. Let life come to me. But recently my thoughts have been more focused on the future and it seems that my anxiety has been higher than it ever has before. Like whats next for me? Kids? A new Job? I don’t know and for the first time in a long time that scares me.

I have always struggled with figuring out what I want out of life. I’ve always kept thoughts and feelings to myself thinking I was being independent or mature and now I’m realizing that was and is foolish. I am naturally a shy and timid person..introverted. I never really embraced who I really am in fear of embarrassment or not being accepted. I tried to be someone else. I never gave too much thought to some of life’s important questions What do you want to do with the rest of your life? What are some of your interests? etc. Is it too late to answer these questions? I don’t think so. I don’t know if there is anyone out there that has it totally figured out but most of us keep moving forward.

Are your 30s the decade when it clicks? I guess I am starting to feel that way like ok this is who I am now. Fed up with how I acted in the past. Ashamed of those feelings I had. I even struggle to write this because I still don’t feel totally that I am in tune with who I am, these words aren’t flowing like they should. But are your 30s when it becomes more clear? Do I need to do ayahuasca or other psychedelic drugs. I mean If thats where the night takes us ok i’ll give it try. Do I need to have kids? Will that unlock something? I would like to have a family someday sure but I don’t know if I am ready. I mean christ I sell shoes for a living. (again I dropped out of community college) I helped a woman today that had one the gnarliest bunions I have ever seen. Practically a second toe! Somedays I feel like i’m trying to make up for lost time, experience things I was too afraid of doing or that my shyness held me back from. Am I being stupid? Do I need to grow up? “Matt you’re 31 now give it up”. Is that how I should be feeling? Pack it in man focus on improving your portfolio. Invest. Jesus, Am I having a mid life crisis? I hope not! Thats what my 40s are for.

Now that I think about it this kind of feels like the plot of the movie Orange County starring Colin Hanks, Jack Black and directed by Mike White (I liked the White Lotus I heard people say negative things about it) I have the need to search, grow and have new experiences but I am overlooking what is right in front of me. Is Jocko Willinik going to read this and say stop being a bitch. Suck it up and drink one of my shitty energy drinks. Maybe. The internet is weird he may stumble upon this one day while drinking one of his shitty energy drinks.

Look, we are all floating on a rock in nothingness. I may never figure myself out but life is the ultimate puzzle. Writing this and cracking some jokes at my expense makes me feel better and being 31 isn’t half bad its actually kind of nice. I just want to say good luck to everyone else out there like me you are not alone.

Beach Strength

What is the ultimate test of strength and endurance? Climbing Everest? Before the 1% ruined it? CrossFit? Running a marathon? Mixed Martial Arts? I think carrying beach supplies to and from the beach needs to be added to that list.

Going to the beach in the summer is one of the best things ever. Family vacation, summer love, late nights with friends and family there is nothing better. But i’m here to talk about the feats of strength people will showcase when going to the beach for the day.

There are a list of things that everyone needs to make a beach day successful. Beach chairs, a cooler(full of food and beverages), beach towels, an umbrella perhaps. Maybe you need to bring things like a tent for small children to lay in so they aren’t in the sun for too long. Beach toys. Football, frisbee or maybe spike ball for the competition and comradery. The brawn and energy it takes to carry those things to the beach from your car or house or what have you is overlooked in my opinion.

When carrying these things you are performing a farmer walk. A highly functional exercise. Core engagement. Working the shoulders. If you have seen any pro athlete’s offseason beach workout videos you would know that sand is one of the top natural resistances when it comes to movement either forward or lateral known to man. Now add that the fact that you’re carrying at least a 15 lb cooler in one hand and awkwardly long umbrella tucked up your armpit in the opposite arm. If thats not athleticism then I don’t know what is.

Don’t be surprised if this becomes the next internet fitness “hold my beer” thing. Where one of those idiots on IG straps 5 weight beach chairs around their body, while carry 2 umbrellas in each hand, and simultaneously balances two 20 pound coolers on their heads while walking barefoot on unbearably hot sand 3 miles away from where they are going to sit on the beach for the day.

To this I applaud (and also I give myself a pat on the back) all the weekend warriors out there for successfully completing these tasks each summer. Your efforts have not been overlooked. So when you are unloading your car with all that shit you need to carry just know I’m here for you. Well done.

Untitled Golf blog

Gentlemen only ladies forbidden (people forget) recently have been in desperate attempts to save its image. Admittedly I’m not the biggest fan of Golf and its culture but I will say it is nice to see the sport become more accessible over the past few years and change the way people view the sport.

That being said, Hey real quick…Golf STOP using Jordan brand to help bolster that strategy. Yes I know MJ is a huge golfer he sank that awesome hole in one in Space Jam. That was sick, I know. Wayne Knight loved it. But..Air Jordans are one of the biggest parts of pop culture and fashion as we know it and some of the greatest athletic achievements have been accomplished in those shoes and you’re going to try and convince me that if some dude like Jordan Speith is wearing them i’m supposed to think Golf is somehow cooler and more stylish? Huh?? (Tim Allen Home Improvement grunt).

Have you seen guys that golf? They look like walking White Claw cans that will brag about their man caves and give you recommendations about what Instagram model has the best page to “look at”. Yes a dude that loves golf probably still whacks it to still photos.

Putting on a pair if J’s on a golfer doesn’t make the sport cooler. Some of the Jordan golf collection includes models like The Jordan 3 cement, The 5s, and The 1s.

The Jordan 3 cement, Do you people know that Michael Jordan dunked from the fucking free throw line while wearing those?!? And you’re going to talk to me about your short game? The fucking FREE THROW LINE! Thats literally 15 feet away from the basket. But I guess the fat dude making the cart girl uncomfortable while he pounds Michelob Ultras, talks about NFTs and bragging about his 15 foot putt is more athletic and making that shoe look cooler.

The Jordan 5?? That shoe was a part of one of the best AD Campaigns of all time, The Spike Lee joint with Mars Blackmon. “It’s gotta be the shoes!” But I guess it’s cooler that your work buddy wore them to play 18 holes and shoved 6 glizzys down his gullet while doing it. It’s Gotta Be the Shoes!!!

And finally how can we forget The Jordan 1.  Do you understand the significance of that shoe? It is one of the most well known silhouettes of all time. There is no Tiger Woods without this shoe. It completely changed sports marketing and and how brand market their athletes. It is quite literally THE Sneaker to end all sneakers. But I guess they feel good while you’re riding around in a golf cart drinking Truly and talking about pastel shorts Maybe it is Jordan brands fault. Maybe it’s Golf’s fault. I don’t know, all I know is that the lines between the sports are becoming blurred and it needs to end before it’s too late.

Jeff Cold Beer player of the week 3/16

This week we have Kirk Cousins. Kirk cashed in on a 3 year 84 mill guaranteed contract with the Minnesota Vikings this week. Kirk tricked the Vikings into thinking he is an elite quarterback and deserves 84 million dollars. Which is impressive and why he is the JCB player of the week. I don’t agree, but what do I know I’m a jabroni. Good for Kirk. That 84 million dollars will buy a lot of tin foil for all the steaks he will grill.

Yes Kirk Cousins grills his steaks with tin foil underneath…


Jeff Cold Beer Player of the Week 3/5

This weeks player of the week is Shaquem Griffin. Shaquem impressed scouts and put up some impressive numbers at the NFL combine this past week. What’s more impressive is that he did it with one hand. Literally.

Shaquem was born with amniotic band syndrome. Which means the fingers on his left hand were not fully developed as a child causing him pain every time he hit his hand. Having his hand properly amputated didn’t stop him from playing football. In 2017 he was the AAC defensive player of the year at UCF where he had 11.5 sacks and 92 tackles. Shaquem ran a 4.3 40 yd dash (fastest ever for a linebacker) and bench pressed 225 20 times pretty much with one hand. What is even more impressive is that Shaquem wasn’t even invited to the combine at first and now he is being considered a 4th round pick.

Get Mike Miller on The Town Mile.

Since our fearless founder Joe Janssen started this blog/podcast he had one realistic goal in mind. Get an interview for the podcast with former NBA sharp shooter Mike Miller. For those of you who don’t know Mike and Joe were both born and bred in the great state of South Dakota, Joe from Emery and Mike from Mitchell. Joe’s father Terry Janssen was a sports writer for many years in South Dakota and had the chance to cover Mike Miller when he was in high school. Mr. Janssen was also very good friends with Mike’s former coach Gary Munsen. Joe and I know we have a great audience in South Dakota and this is our plea. If one of you great citizens from South Dakota has a connection to Mike and can some how talk him into to calling us for an interview  we would be forever in your debt. I personally have messaged Mike everyday for the last three days, and honestly I will still be sending him messages in hopes that some day he will answer and talk to us.

We aren’t schmucks, we are very serious about this. Joe and I love doing the podcast and want to put out great content for our listeners. I hope this reaches some one out there and eventually reaches Mike. If that happens please DM us on twitter or on Instagram @thetownmile. Thank you for your time and Thank you to the great people of South Dakota.