Jeff Cold Beer player of the week 3/16

This week we have Kirk Cousins. Kirk cashed in on a 3 year 84 mill guaranteed contract with the Minnesota Vikings this week. Kirk tricked the Vikings into thinking he is an elite quarterback and deserves 84 million dollars. Which is impressive and why he is the JCB player of the week. I don’t agree, but what do I know I’m a jabroni. Good for Kirk. That 84 million dollars will buy a lot of tin foil for all the steaks he will grill.

Yes Kirk Cousins grills his steaks with tin foil underneath…

YOU LIKE THAT!

Jeff Cold Beer Player of the Week 3/5

This weeks player of the week is Shaquem Griffin. Shaquem impressed scouts and put up some impressive numbers at the NFL combine this past week. What’s more impressive is that he did it with one hand. Literally.

Shaquem was born with amniotic band syndrome. Which means the fingers on his left hand were not fully developed as a child causing him pain every time he hit his hand. Having his hand properly amputated didn’t stop him from playing football. In 2017 he was the AAC defensive player of the year at UCF where he had 11.5 sacks and 92 tackles. Shaquem ran a 4.3 40 yd dash (fastest ever for a linebacker) and bench pressed 225 20 times pretty much with one hand. What is even more impressive is that Shaquem wasn’t even invited to the combine at first and now he is being considered a 4th round pick.

Get Mike Miller on The Town Mile.

Since our fearless founder Joe Janssen started this blog/podcast he had one realistic goal in mind. Get an interview for the podcast with former NBA sharp shooter Mike Miller. For those of you who don’t know Mike and Joe were both born and bred in the great state of South Dakota, Joe from Emery and Mike from Mitchell. Joe’s father Terry Janssen was a sports writer for many years in South Dakota and had the chance to cover Mike Miller when he was in high school. Mr. Janssen was also very good friends with Mike’s former coach Gary Munsen. Joe and I know we have a great audience in South Dakota and this is our plea. If one of you great citizens from South Dakota has a connection to Mike and can some how talk him into to calling us for an interview  we would be forever in your debt. I personally have messaged Mike everyday for the last three days, and honestly I will still be sending him messages in hopes that some day he will answer and talk to us.

We aren’t schmucks, we are very serious about this. Joe and I love doing the podcast and want to put out great content for our listeners. I hope this reaches some one out there and eventually reaches Mike. If that happens please DM us on twitter or on Instagram @thetownmile. Thank you for your time and Thank you to the great people of South Dakota.

I can’t look away from this scorpion killing this hornet.

www.youtube.com/watch

This is video is wild! I can’t stop watching. It’s like if Jerry Seinfeld from The Bee Movie tried to fight Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in scorpion king. This scorpion destroys this hornet it’s not even close. The scorpion is like Peyton Manning’s career and the Hornet is like Ryan Leaf’s career. The Scorpion is like early 2000s Tiger Woods and the Hornet is like the rest of the PGA. The scorpion is like the mutated sharks from the movie Deep Blue Sea and the hornet is like Samuel Jackson. The fucking thing ate the hornet! They ate me! A fucking shark ate me!

Shout out Dave Chappelle

The WAY too late XFL fantasy draft

For those who don’t know: WWE President Vince McMahon announced he is bringing back the XFL in 2020. Back in 2000 the XFL took the sports world by storm bringing the type of football “people wanted to see” all offense, brutal hits, and hot cheerleaders. The league was founded by WWE president and CEO Vince McMahon and Dick Ebersol former president of NBC Sports. Also, according to the 30 for 30 doc about the XFL Dick Ebersol also founded SNL with Lorne Michaels. I personally did not know that so I thought that was pretty cool.

I digress. Inspired by the sports podcasts I listen to and also inspired by the book “Basketball And Other Things” by Shea Serrano where Shea drafts an all-fictional basketball team in one of the chapters, I thought I would draft my own XFL team. A couple of rules:

1. Fictional characters are allowed.

2. There is no rule against drafting a non pro athlete.

If you think someone that you know or if there is a celebrity out there that you think is athletic enough they are fair game. Because if you know anything about the XFL you know that anything goes and no one seems to give a shit about how well the game is being played because the people want to see the pageantry.

With that said being said here are my choices for my XFL team:

First Pick- Mike Winchell. Quarterback. (Friday Night Lights version)

Mike Winchell is pure grit and determination and a guy I want running my huddle. A little undersized and overlooked by college recruiters Mike gave those assholes from Dallas Carter all they could handle. I want a guy with fight in him and also because I like an underdog.

Second Pick-  Tony Mandarich. Offensive Tackle. (80s version)

Two Words. Horse Steroids. If that isn’t XFL worthy then I don’t know what is. Drafted second overall in the 89 draft behind Troy Aikman, some say Mandarich is the biggest bust in NFL history. That’s ok this is the XFL and I’m a big second chance guy so I’m going to give one to Tony.

Pick 3- Herschel Walker. Running back.

Herschel Walker has been on record multiple times saying that he would still be able to play today if given the chance. Herschel is probably the fittest dude on earth and he’s over 50. He does 18,000 push-ups a day and 20,000 sit-ups. He’s also dabbled in MMA, I think having some combat skills may come in handy in the XFL.

Fourth Pick- John Matuszak aka Sloth from the Goonies. Defensive End

Sloth actually played in the NFL. John Matuszak was a first overall pick in 1973 by the Houston Oilers and played most of his career with the Oakland Raiders. Sloth is a 2x Super Bowl champ and the kind of veteran presence I want in my locker room.

There it is. This is the foundation of a championship team. Someone get me Vince McMahon’s email.

P.S. I realize there is a dead guy on my team (RIP Sloth). Get over it.