On July 26th I turned 31. So that means I am officially one year into my 30s. The days following have brought on a lot of reflection. I’ve been thinking a lot of where I am in life. I got married last September to Paulina a woman I’ve been with since high school..almost 14 years now. (yes I’ve only had sex with one woman. Wilt Chamberlain would be appalled.) the two of us survived the pandemic, dealt with some depression, bought a house in a great town and neighborhood, got a dog named him Bodhi (“Thats Bodhi..He’s a modern savage.”), reaffirmed the fact that I’m dangerously Italian..89% in fact mostly Sicilian and the other 11% is Greek. What up Giannis! and I am a community college dropout. I try to take on everyday anew. Let life come to me. But recently my thoughts have been more focused on the future and it seems that my anxiety has been higher than it ever has before. Like whats next for me? Kids? A new Job? I don’t know and for the first time in a long time that scares me.
I have always struggled with figuring out what I want out of life. I’ve always kept thoughts and feelings to myself thinking I was being independent or mature and now I’m realizing that was and is foolish. I am naturally a shy and timid person..introverted. I never really embraced who I really am in fear of embarrassment or not being accepted. I tried to be someone else. I never gave too much thought to some of life’s important questions What do you want to do with the rest of your life? What are some of your interests? etc. Is it too late to answer these questions? I don’t think so. I don’t know if there is anyone out there that has it totally figured out but most of us keep moving forward.
Are your 30s the decade when it clicks? I guess I am starting to feel that way like ok this is who I am now. Fed up with how I acted in the past. Ashamed of those feelings I had. I even struggle to write this because I still don’t feel totally that I am in tune with who I am, these words aren’t flowing like they should. But are your 30s when it becomes more clear? Do I need to do ayahuasca or other psychedelic drugs. I mean If thats where the night takes us ok i’ll give it try. Do I need to have kids? Will that unlock something? I would like to have a family someday sure but I don’t know if I am ready. I mean christ I sell shoes for a living. (again I dropped out of community college) I helped a woman today that had one the gnarliest bunions I have ever seen. Practically a second toe! Somedays I feel like i’m trying to make up for lost time, experience things I was too afraid of doing or that my shyness held me back from. Am I being stupid? Do I need to grow up? “Matt you’re 31 now give it up”. Is that how I should be feeling? Pack it in man focus on improving your portfolio. Invest. Jesus, Am I having a mid life crisis? I hope not! Thats what my 40s are for.
Now that I think about it this kind of feels like the plot of the movie Orange County starring Colin Hanks, Jack Black and directed by Mike White (I liked the White Lotus I heard people say negative things about it) I have the need to search, grow and have new experiences but I am overlooking what is right in front of me. Is Jocko Willinik going to read this and say stop being a bitch. Suck it up and drink one of my shitty energy drinks. Maybe. The internet is weird he may stumble upon this one day while drinking one of his shitty energy drinks.
Look, we are all floating on a rock in nothingness. I may never figure myself out but life is the ultimate puzzle. Writing this and cracking some jokes at my expense makes me feel better and being 31 isn’t half bad its actually kind of nice. I just want to say good luck to everyone else out there like me you are not alone.