For those who don’t know: WWE President Vince McMahon announced he is bringing back the XFL in 2020. Back in 2000 the XFL took the sports world by storm bringing the type of football “people wanted to see” all offense, brutal hits, and hot cheerleaders. The league was founded by WWE president and CEO Vince McMahon and Dick Ebersol former president of NBC Sports. Also, according to the 30 for 30 doc about the XFL Dick Ebersol also founded SNL with Lorne Michaels. I personally did not know that so I thought that was pretty cool.
I digress. Inspired by the sports podcasts I listen to and also inspired by the book “Basketball And Other Things” by Shea Serrano where Shea drafts an all-fictional basketball team in one of the chapters, I thought I would draft my own XFL team. A couple of rules:
1. Fictional characters are allowed.
2. There is no rule against drafting a non pro athlete.
If you think someone that you know or if there is a celebrity out there that you think is athletic enough they are fair game. Because if you know anything about the XFL you know that anything goes and no one seems to give a shit about how well the game is being played because the people want to see the pageantry.
With that said being said here are my choices for my XFL team:
First Pick- Mike Winchell. Quarterback. (Friday Night Lights version)
Mike Winchell is pure grit and determination and a guy I want running my huddle. A little undersized and overlooked by college recruiters Mike gave those assholes from Dallas Carter all they could handle. I want a guy with fight in him and also because I like an underdog.
Second Pick- Tony Mandarich. Offensive Tackle. (80s version)
Two Words. Horse Steroids. If that isn’t XFL worthy then I don’t know what is. Drafted second overall in the 89 draft behind Troy Aikman, some say Mandarich is the biggest bust in NFL history. That’s ok this is the XFL and I’m a big second chance guy so I’m going to give one to Tony.
Pick 3- Herschel Walker. Running back.
Herschel Walker has been on record multiple times saying that he would still be able to play today if given the chance. Herschel is probably the fittest dude on earth and he’s over 50. He does 18,000 push-ups a day and 20,000 sit-ups. He’s also dabbled in MMA, I think having some combat skills may come in handy in the XFL.
Fourth Pick- John Matuszak aka Sloth from the Goonies. Defensive End
Sloth actually played in the NFL. John Matuszak was a first overall pick in 1973 by the Houston Oilers and played most of his career with the Oakland Raiders. Sloth is a 2x Super Bowl champ and the kind of veteran presence I want in my locker room.
There it is. This is the foundation of a championship team. Someone get me Vince McMahon’s email.
P.S. I realize there is a dead guy on my team (RIP Sloth). Get over it.